


Serious Business

by urdnot_wrekt



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 01:36:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10776723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urdnot_wrekt/pseuds/urdnot_wrekt
Summary: The fate of the universe may be in Shepard's hands, but that doesn't mean there's no time to poke fun at an old pun.Takes place sometime during ME2, post-LOTSB.





	Serious Business

**Author's Note:**

> Because it's canon that Shepard would do this, and also (basically) canon that EDI rolls her nonexistent eyes so hard she gives her circuit boards a headache.

“Shepard, I want to begin by making it clear to you that this is, without a doubt, the most _ridiculous_ vidcall I have ever been asked to make in the entirety of my life thus far.”

At the sound of Liara’s voice, Shepard’s eyes immediately jumped from the report they were reviewing to the terminal at her left. It was obvious that Liara was trying to hide her amusement, and failing quite spectacularly in the process. The sight brought a genuine smile to Shepard’s face, and with it, a flood of contented happiness.

“Ah, Shadow Broker,” she said in greeting, leaning casually back against her seat and clasping her hands behind her head. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Would you happen to know why I just received an uncharacteristically bizarre call from Tali and Garrus? Bizarre in the sense that neither one of them could stop laughing long enough to explain why they were calling in the first place.” She paused to wait for an answer, which came only in the form of a sparkling grin from the commander. “Miranda was the one who finally conveyed the message to me,” she continued, “and, for the record, Shepard, she seemed significantly less amused. Something about ‘wasting time’ and ‘not as funny as she thinks she is,’ which I assume was directed at you.”

“Couldn’t be. I’m _exactly_ as funny as I think I am. Which, at the moment, is pretty peak.”

Shepard winked at the terminal screen and watched as Liara tried to continue appearing exasperated. As a courtesy, she pretended that the slight violet color creeping into Liara’s cheeks didn’t give her away.

“So, you’re really on your way to Sol? At this very moment?”

“At this very moment.”

“And you’re really going to attempt to extract resources from a depleted planet, all for the sake of humor?”

“Oh, abso-fucking-lutely.”

The confident smile she flashed at the screen finally elicited a chuckle from her overworked girlfriend, and Shepard made a mental note that the elaborate joke, which hadn’t even been carried out yet, was already worth the effort.

“You’re unbelievable,” Liara laughed.

“Yeah, well, what’s _really_ unbelievable is the fact that Tali and Garrus tried to sell me out to you. I thought they were my friends. EDI, remind me to space the two of them after we’ve all thoroughly enjoyed my Grade A sense of humor.”

The voice of the AI did not sound as amused as Shepard looked.

“Commander Shepard, I am obligated to inform you that if you ‘space’ any member or members of your crew, the chances of them surviving the encounter are less than .01%. Their deaths would be classified as ‘homicide’ by both Alliance and Cerberus standards. I must highly caution against this course of action.”

“That was a joke, EDI.”

“Noted.”

In the comfortable silence that followed, Shepard could feel Liara’s eyes conducting a quiet assessment. She knew that each laugh line, each freckle, each new gray hair was being carefully catalogued, and she knew that the growing dark circles under her eyes would certainly not go unnoticed. But she didn’t mind. After all, she was doing the same with each subtle feature of Liara’s, including her own deep violet crescents from too much work and too little sleep.

A slight tug at the edge of Shepard’s consciousness filled her with a bittersweet glimpse at the feeling of home that they shared together, but the distance between them was too great for anything more than a fleeting moment of connection. It wasn’t enough.

“I wish you were here,” she whispered.

The smile that came in response this time echoed the longing that she felt. But before Liara had a chance to speak, the excited voice of Kasumi blasted throughout the captain’s cabin.

“Shep! ETA two minutes to the mass relay. Three minutes to destination. See you on deck! And… sorry for interrupting!”

The commander stood up from her chair and rerouted the ongoing vidcall through to her omnitool.

“Wouldn’t want you to miss out on all the fun,” she said as she stepped into the elevator.

“I can hardly wait,” Liara deadpanned back.

“You know, you’re getting uncomfortably good at sarcasm.”

“Is your comedic superiority feeling threatened, love?”

“A little bit, yeah,” Shepard laughed, “but give it a minute and I’ll be back on top.”

The elevator doors opened up to reveal the command center and a growing collection of variably amused squad members, including, to Shepard’s surprise, Miranda.

“Hitting the relay in 10, Commander,” Joker called from the cockpit.

Shepard jogged up to join him and grabbed onto the back of his seat to steady herself for the jump. A slight shudder rippled through the ship as they crossed from one side of the galaxy to the other, a concept that never ceased to amaze Shepard even after a hundred leaps, and then, to her delight, she began to see the outline of her prize in the distant, starlit sky.

“There it is,” she declared, crossing her arms and watching as the planet grew bigger and bigger with their approach. “Prepare for resource analysis and scanning protocols.”

“Preparing systems,” EDI intoned.

Shepard felt an arm drape around her shoulders and turned to see Kasumi beaming next to her.

“You know, Shep, this is probably shaping up to be one of the most expensive jokes in history. I must admit, I’m a bit disappointed that I didn’t think of it myself.”

“Don’t encourage her,” Miranda said as she approached.

Tali and Garrus followed suit with sizable grins of their own, and Shepard even caught Jack giving her a strangely supportive eyeroll from where she stood across the room with the rest of the squad.

“Are you really going to go through with this?” Liara asked as Shepard rerouted their vidcall once more, this time to EDI’s nearby terminal.

“I’m too close to back out now,” Shepard grinned back.

“Approaching orbit,” Joker announced, barely hiding the excitement from his own voice.

“Okay, EDI. Do your thing!”

In a flash, a full analysis of the planet’s resources appeared on the screen overhead. EDI began slowly processing through, identifying areas where traces of minerals remained on the surface. There was nothing particularly useable, but this trip had never really been about functionality to begin with.

“Launch probe, EDI.”

“Really, commander?”

A chuckle peppered through the crew in response to EDI’s unexpected hesitation, Shepard’s own laughter among the many.

“Yes, EDI. Really.”

A sigh emanated from the AI’s speakers, causing an even larger eruption of laughter from those gathered, followed by the resigned announcement of,

“Probing Uranus.”

“Ayyyyyyy!!!!!” Shepard yelled, throwing her fist into the air with a wink in Liara’s direction.

A surprising majority of the crew reflected Shepard’s excitement with shouts and laughter of their own, and she soon found herself on the receiving end of an almost overwhelming number of fist bumps and high fives. Even Miranda broke into a chuckle as Shepard clapped her fondly on the back.

“I knew you’d come around,” the commander told her with a proud grin.

Then, Shepard positioned herself next to EDI’s terminal, sparing a satisfied glance toward Liara, and she watched as her crew reveled in the simplicity of the moment.

It wasn’t much. She knew this. Hell, the joke wasn’t really even all that funny. Nothing they hadn’t all heard at least a million times growing up in the Milky Way. But as much as the trip wasn’t really about gathering resources from a mineral-poor planet, it wasn’t really about the joke, either.

Sooner than any of them would like to admit, Shepard and her crew would be making a jump through the Omega 4 Relay that they may very well not be coming back from. It was a reality that loomed over their heads every spare moment of every day, and on none more heavily than the commander who had to ask them to follow her into the dark.

It wasn’t about the joke at all. It was about this; the pure, unrestrained joy that echoed around the command center as crewmen and squad members alike shared cheesy jokes from their own homeworlds, and as celebratory pun-themed foods were passed around, courtesy of Mess Sergeant Gardner. It was about the smile that Miranda allowed herself to wear on too few occasions, and the weight that could be seen visibly lifting off of so many shoulders, even just for a few moments.

Shepard felt a tingle at the edge of her awareness again and glanced over to find Liara watching her with a look filled with more affection than she could ever convey with words. As much as Shepard would absolutely go out of her way just to make a joke, she knew that Liara understood her real motivations. She could _feel_ it. And she felt Liara’s words taking root in her chest even before she finally said them, in a voice barely above a whisper.

“I love you, Shepard.”

“I love you, too.”

“Oh, geez,” Joker interrupted from his seat a few yards away. “I’m still right here, you guys.”

Kasumi uncloaked herself next to the pilot’s seat and patted him on the shoulder.

“Don’t let him fool you, Shep. I’ve heard him talking about the two of you to EDI. He thinks you’re great together.”

“I believe Mr. Moreau’s exact words were ‘so cute it’s disgusting.’”

Beaming with pride, Kasumi recloaked herself and disappeared back amongst the crew. Joker, on the other hand, shook his head and mumbled something about EDI being a tattletale.

“Joker, I didn’t know you cared,” Shepard teased, no longer worried about the temporary blush in her cheeks now that Joker had his own to match.

“That’s very sweet of you, Joker,” Liara added in support, stifling a laugh.

“Yeah, but, Joker,” Shepard continued, “it’s interesting that you called us ‘disgusting’, because I can think of _at least_ one other thing that’s _way_ more disgusting than we are…”

She adjusted a few settings on her omnitool so that Liara was transmitting back to her private channel again, and began to walk off of the bridge as Joker groaned behind her.

“Please don’t,” he begged.

Shepard stopped, and turned to look back at her pilot with a triumphant grin.

“… _Uranus_.”


End file.
